Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Wall

"It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been test your break through barriers.
And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom."
— Anais Nin

Years ago, I prided myself on being a tomboy, a wise a**, a tough chick. I would never let anyone see my weakness or my fears, including myself...yes, they were hidden that deep! I remember my mom once telling me I was "hard"; I didn't know what she meant then, but I certainly didn't take it as a compliment. Years later, I understood that all that bravado and mouthiness was my attempt to cover up a whole lot of fear. I had built a wall up around me for protection (from what exactly, I didn't know)...I thought it kept me safe, but what it did was kept me trapped.
The ironic thing was that even with that 5 foot thick invisible wall surrounding me, I got hurt. I trusted people I probably shouldn't have, I gave my heart to men I should have run from, I had lapses in judgement that stung...a lot. Life happens.

There are as many ways to construct a "wall" as there are people who think they need to do so. Some women won't let anyone see them without their "face" on, some people overeat to make themselves "invisible", some people can't throw away aluminum foil or magazines or newspapers or clothes that no longer fit (in case that day comes when they need _____), some people engage in compulsive behaviors (exercising, shopping or drinking too much or starving themselves or bingeing)... the list goes on.

Making the decision to take a peek over that wall is hard! Choosing to release the vise grip on our emotions is scary. Trusting that there is Someone or Something that loves us unconditionally is risky...but SO worth it. Believing that we will be taken care of (even if we don't know exactly what that looks like) can seem impossible...but it doesn't have to be.

Over the last decade I have worked hard to dismantle the wall I lived behind for most of my was not always easy, but it was definitely worth the effort. Every once in awhile I need to catch my breath behind the little pile of bricks that remain, but today, I don't stay there. I no longer live my life behind that wall, and guess what? The most amazing things have happened and I experience grace.

Are you ready to take a chance? Come can do it! Ease one tiny brick out of the wall...take a peek... what do you see?


  1. I love this post . . . and gonna take a peek over that wall myself ;-)

  2. I just love you more and more!!! I've been peeking for a while now...with you and others the bricks come down not tumbling (anymore) but one by one.....I embrace our new friendship and will protect it just like my heart. .. Mona

  3. I <3 you Ms. Mona!

    Thanks ladies!

  4. OK..that was supposed to be a heart...